A number of titles would have been suitable for this blog:
Online dating – approach with caution!
Online dating – Horror story
He has psychosis!
Woman! Where art thou worth?
This is the second time I’m writing this post. I accidentally deleted it the first time. I thought that the universe or the forces or God, didn’t want me to publish it, probably because of how open and revealing it was.
Friday afternoon – These are usually the days I go and spend the weekend with my boyfriend, but sadly, since last week, I’ve spent my weekends alone as we split up.
As I reflect on our short lived relationship, I’m torn between whether it can even be classed as a relationship, whether it was a waste of time, or whether it happened for a reason. As the saying goes, some relationships are for a season and some for a reason. I’m not quite sure where or how to categorize this one – but feelings were involved.
At the time I signed up to online dating, a number of things were going on with me. I felt as though I was in a good place, mentally, physically, and spiritually. I felt as though I had something to offer- companionship, friendship – Love. I felt quite whole although, I also wanted to erase the presence of a man who I foolishly slept with and ghosted me the following day. I wasn’t completely devastated by it but felt embarrassed and ashamed of myself as I didn’t even really like him that much.
I spoke to a few candidates online, but none of them took my fancy. I video called one guy by mistake and had a less than pleasing conversation with him. He was full of himself and I regretted our brief encounter. We didn’t speak again. A message then popped up from an attractive middle aged man, who looked much younger than his age displayed. I had forgotten that I swiped on him as a few days must have passed before he contacted me. His message was unassuming and short, as if he were testing the waters. ‘Hi.’ I gave a witty reply and we hit it off. We wasted no time in meeting up and and had our first date at a restaurant. His personality was a bit wacky – I mistook bouts of inappropriate behaviour during dinner for charisma and personality – I missed the first signs, I believe he was mentally unstable/unwell.
As the night drew to an end, I drove him home. As he got out of the car, I became aware of just how short he really was, again, I ignored the signs. His inability to drive became an issue in our relationship, as he never made the effort to come and see me. I also stopped wearing heels as I didn’t want to tower over him. He was also quite small and boyish in appearance although he was in his 40’s. You see, I have a thing for older men, which I may have to revisit as dating them doesn’t seem to be doing me any favours. It is more disappointing when a grown arse man hasn’t got his shit together, and I say that because I know how hard I’ve had to work as a Black woman to get to where I am today.
I believe we had sex that same night. I consciously decided to do that because as I said, I wanted to erase the other guy from my mind, ‘get over an ‘ex’, get under the next’. I was single, generally enjoy sex and thought it might just be a one night stand. We lasted five months.
I was tired of doing the same thing and getting the same results. I tended to go for the clean cut, well spoken guy, that I knew would be easy to introduce to my friends and family, well those relationships never lasted. I could see at face value that this guy wasn’t all of the above but I was keen to see the outcome.
A few days later, he shared with me that he had a sexually transmitted infection. I don’t know why, but I remained fairly calm because we had protected sex. Rather than run for the hills, we discussed how we could continue to have sex responsibly, it actually made our bond somewhat stronger as the relationship wasn’t solely based on sex. He also wasn’t a male sloppy whore, and by that I mean, loose in bed, ejaculating at any given moment, he was sensible in that sense. What I found more disturbing was his account of how he got the infection, his story sounded bogus, I didn’t believe it. In fact, I didn’t believe a number of things he said to me during our relationship, the stories seemed to be made up, fantastical and implausible. I now believe it was because he had psychosis, which was exacerbated by his frequent use of marijuana. He was delusional.
So why did I continue to see this man?
I grew to love him, we had some warm moments. It was mostly me and him. I had love to offer, but, as is often the case, he mistook my kindness for weakness. If a friend had told me that they were dating this guy, I would question their sanity. I don’t know if I was with him because of my low self-esteem and standards or if it was because I just had love to offer, I genuinely believe it was the latter; to use an analogy, when you’re in a plane and on the ground, you tend not to see the bigger picture until you’re up in the air and everything appears minuscule, there you can see everything. I believe that is what God is like – omniscient and omnipresent. I don’t know why I crossed paths with this guy, I may never see him again, in the short time we were together though, I gave him a piece of me that I will never get back. It hurts to think that I gave him what I could, with all the best intentions in the world and his mind has led him to believe I am other than what I am.
I’m experiencing a range of emotions, to cope with these feelings; I talk to friends regularly; watch inspirational and advice videos online. I continue to wake up each day and go to work as if nothing has happened. The busy nature of my job means that my mind doesn’t have to wallow in self-pity. But as soon as I leave work, or have thinking time, the cumulonimbus cloud hovers over me. When we were together, I felt as though I was working for us. I enjoyed getting the groceries at the end of the week, so we could cook something over the weekend. I enjoyed planning things for us to do, although I wished he would use his initiative and return the favour. Mornings are particularly hard as I think about him first thing, it’s as if my mind is searching the memory bank for him as he is physically no longer here. I love….loved him, I just wish he didn’t accuse me, that was one step too far.