One word to describe this year would be tepid. As I look back over the months, It’s been – well, tepid. This time last year, the love of my life had travelled abroad to pursue his dreams and I remained in the UK hopeful that we would figure things. What kept us strong was the promise that we would get married and I would be with child. Needles to say, it didn’t happen. I thought the heartbreak would be devastating but it was bearable. I made a conscious decision not to let it break me as it had done in the past. I learnt new skills, I travelled, I developed new friendships and I took risks. I became more selfish, I worked harder, I played harder. I was on a quest to better myself, but life still felt 50%. I had put in quite a bit of effort but hadn’t found any real long lasting purpose or happiness.
At the same time, I had also entered into an unhealthy and immoral relationship with a married man. My will power to stop the ‘relationship’ was weak and I battled with my thoughts and actions for months.
As I sat in my car today, admiring the Christmas lights and people watching, I thought to myself, once again, I remain sombre and lonely at Christmas-again. All the laughter, all the hope, all the excitement, all the stress that 2017 has bestowed on me, I still haven’t found my reason for being or long lasting joy.
I’ve embarked on a new creative path of late and will see where it takes me.
Merry Christmas and Happy Holiday to anyone reading this.