I no longer felt empowered or in control.
I was beginning to feel used and manipulated.
I came to the resolve that there wasn’t a friendship just a sexship. Ironically this was how my previous relationship began. I was delusional to think we had anything in common.
As he lay ontop of me I looked at him intently. This was the moment we would ordinarily say ‘I love you,’ but neither of us was at place to say it.
There were parts of the sex I wanted us to amend, to make it more pleasurable….but why bother. He belonged to someone else. There was no future in our sexship and I wouldn’t want to commence a relationship in this way, built on sinking sand.
Whenever I was alone with him, all I wanted to do was have sex, such opportunites were rare and I preferred to do it with somebody that I knew. The benefits of sex with the same partner is the journey towards a place where your bodies are in sync. I tried on many occasions to end things but they were all in vain and made me appear fickle and weak.
I decided to write him this…..
The guilt outweighs the pleasure.
That’s why I’ve ended this many times.
To you it’s like a walk in the park.
To me it’s like a crime.
I lie to myself that we are just friends
And whatever we’ve done we can make amends
We tell ourselves that this will soon end
To justify having sex again and again.
I take full responsibility for ruining us
At that moment I was overcome by lust.
My mind was racing, filthy, I just
Wanted gratification, without all the fuss.
You fuck me today
And love her tomorrow
I’m fucked up for days
Confronted with sorrow
The truth is, I’m lacking something deep,
My will power is low- so I struggle as it goes.
My signals are mixed,
See, I do enjoy the throes
But I should be saying no
But you make the juices flow.
The more that we do it
I realise something more
We both have our flaws
But with you there’s no remorse.
You entered into marriage
When you were young and somewhat keen
How can you treat your wife like this, don’t you think it’s kinda mean.
Whilst we’re undetected, and nobody knows
Go home to your wife
And build a better life.
If you’re lying to her
You must be lying to me
There’s two in a relationship but in this one there’s three.
If it’s not a relationship, what must it be? Cookies and crumbs
How could I be so dumb.
It’s an addiction that needs to be cured
I can’t even take this to the Lord
It hurts for me to say this and not tell you to your face.
I cannot be alone with you in the same place.
I feel bad for leaving, as I was the one who came.
But I’ve seen how it plays out,I’ll be happy to take all blame.
You can still get it
I’ll just have to make do,
that’s why I can’t feel bad for you. I’m without- not you.
I love the the idea of being in love,
though I’m not in love with you,
there’s still the potential to fall in love,
But that will never do.
I feel a little disconnect, it’s tough, without the love.
Fucking my brains out is not enough …
I want more than lust- I just…
I won’t tell if you won’t tell
This never was gonna end well.
Don’t contact me or try to explain.
You’ll thank me after the pain.
I’m not trying to be a mind fuck
I’m just a little stuck
I appreciate you and what you brought me through
Just need to start a new.