I’m a survivor…but I just want to live.

I’ve previously mentioned before that when I get time off with nothing to do I get bored. This is no knew phenomena, I know but it kills me. This boredom allows negative thoughts to creep into my head and torment me.

These past few days, I’ve had a few people make remarks about me that are all linked. I had a massage a few weeks back and the masseuse said I was incredibly tense and stiff. At yoga, the teacher kept relaxing my shoulder and on a course today, I was told to stop over thinking what I was doing.

Why me? What is wrong with me?

To cure the boredom, I read. I can’t take in what I’m reading because I’m thinking of other things, so I put the book down and reach for the remote for the TV.  I rarely last longer than 5 minutes before loosing interest. I then result to social media . I’ve spent plenty of time on social media and that definitely is not helping as I start comparing myself to others. Girls younger than me seem to be achieving great things. I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others but its impulsive. Not only is it the stuff they are doing that makes me feel inadequate, it’s also image. I’ve been contemplating getting breast augmentation, but feel I should wait to have a child first to see if my breasts will grow and be fuller. I often think, had I gone down an unorthodox career path or made different life choices, I would have been far more satisfied than doing the career path I went down (then again,  knowing my temperament maybe not.) I’m too cautious, always playing safe and am meticulous.

When I was younger (up until my 20s) I would have considered myself to be creative but now I do not seem to be good at much.  I’m tired of busying myself, I’m tired of doing things, I’m tired of buying things, because when all the noise is turned off, I go back to feeling like shit. I’m fickle, I’ve been dabbling in so many things lately to see if I can find happiness but I can’t, it comes from within they say,  what does that mean?

I sometimes feel cursed. I think my religious upbringing has lead me to believe that there are spirits blocking my happiness. I’m not even so close to God at the moment but spirituality still lingers.

My sister attended the funeral of an old class mate who committed suicide. She couldn’t understand why someone would want to take their own life. I could.  I thought she was brave and had courage, something I don’t have. It made me realise that this illness called depression is not understood. I see it as being at a fair ground and not enjoying it and wanting to leave, or get off a ride. Leave the earth-For good, no re entry .

 

Why was this burden given to me? None of my sisters and brothers suffer from it. Just me. I don’t want to keep battling through life. I’m told that having children is a blessing, so maybe if I have a child I’ll change my perspective on life? I don’t know, I don’t want to die before my time.

I went through a bout of hopefulness where I wrote down and commenced things I wanted to achieve. I’ve failed at a few and am still continuing with the others. The happiness is fading…. I’m not living life, I’m surviving each day and don’t know how much longer I can take it.

 

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Letter from a side chick

Dear Main Chick

I know what I am doing is wrong and that no self-respecting woman would ever condone it. I may or may not know about you. Men and women are different, it is possible that your man does actually love you, in his own way. I know that I am just there for fun, pleasure and excitement. At the end of the day, I am less of a woman than you are, he comes home to you every night and most likely over compensates for the dirty he is  doing with me. I however, may have other men on the go or go to an empty bed every night. If you ever found out, I would be afraid of the repercussions. A woman calling me out of my name, maybe attacking or beating me up, I know I would have no leg to stand on. I may not even want him as a main lover, the same way he is using me, I might also be using him.

Some men talk to damn much, train your man to keep his mouth closed about your home affairs, I know too much and could use that to my advantage.

He does it because he can. The thrill and excitement of it is much more than the boring comfortable life he built with you. He knows the repercussions of it, but feels he might be the one to never get caught. He loves the touch, scent and experience of a new body. I’m his escape.

It’s nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. You may play dress up, do role plays have date night, but you’re still the one woman he has to be with all his life. As I said, its boring, he’s been there done that. Boys like new toys, he done

Something fishy going on

This is quite a hard post for me to write considering everything I have been through and the immorality of the situation and my actions.

I apologise to all women who have been on the receiving end of infidelity and I understand that I may receive some backlash for this. To say I am only human is ‘trite’, I know, but I do not pretend to know everything or always make the right decisions.

Without further ado….

I arrived  at the airport at silly o’clock. It was the cheapest flight I could get. The only problem was getting home. He offered to pick me and my friend up from the airport and I reluctantly accepted. It was late and I kept on slipping in and out of sleep. I felt guilty sleeping in the car as he had made the journey for us and could have been catching z’s, so I forced myself to stay awake. He dropped my friend home first and then me. He occasionally stroked my thighs which woke me with a smile. As we approached nearer to my flat, I was unsure about whether he wanted me to thank him for the journey in other ways. I had been thinking about us quite a bit. He carried my suitcase inside for me and wished me a good night. I thanked him and kissed him on the lips. It lingered. Before I knew it, we were in the living room, making out, he lifted up my dress and devoured me.

A million thoughts were going through my head. I had told myself that I didn’t want to pursue things any further …it was good previously because it was animal like instinct, but now, the issue was that ……he had a woman, a wife.

Here I was, stretched out on the couch , with a taken man between my legs. A man who aimed desperately to please. A man who knew about my cheating partner and comforted me with positive words. The situation was just too complex and ironic. He raised his head up from below, as he could tell something was wrong. We spoke briefly and he left.

I thought he left on good terms but he didn’t call me for 3 days. I knew something was up. He eventually called to say that his wife could ‘sense’  that he had been with another woman because of his ‘scent’.

….How could he be so reckless.

 

Get over you ex, get under the next

I never before paid heed to what appeared to be ill advice.  Never did I imagine that four month after the termination of my relationship, I would be thinking about another man. I feel healthier, emotionally and mentally and I definitely feel more empowered. When my previous relationships ended I suffered in silence. I wouldn’t dare let another man get close  as I was afraid he too would break my heart.

Four months later, I’ve worked on bettering myself and have invested in myself spiritually, physically, intellectually and socially. I didn’t distract myself from the real issue, I faced it head on and allowed the pain and turmoil to occasionally beat me up. I was starting to feel good about myself and gained enough confidence to ask another man to quench my thirst and he did just that.

Some might think that I was desperate to ask and yes I was a little but I was also mostly confident that he would oblige.

I’m not going through a rebound period. I’m not interested in sleeping around. Been there done that. A rebound to me means giving it up to every Tom Dick or Harry that shows an interest. That’s not for me. I built myself up enough to know that whether he accepted or declined, I was enough.

He gave me more than enough. He ensured that I was well taken care of  each time we were intimate and it was only right that I returned the favour, in fact I wanted to. He called me a nympho and I loved it.  We both know and understand that we are not in a relationship and that lessens the pressure and expectations. I am aware of the possibilities of catching feelings, nevertheless, that is something I will figure out if I come to that stage. Had his performance, general kindness and thoughtfulness towards me been lacking I would most likely, not think twice about him or it, but he was honestly sensational.

I do not know what tomorrow holds or what the repercussions will be but, I feel more confident in my desirability and decisions. I’ve learnt that there are plenty of fish in the sea and had I not gone with my gut instinct, I would have been with an A class dude instead of reaching for the stars.

The only problem I face now is the daydreaming about ‘IT’ that pales in comparison to the persistent nightmare that was my life.

Get over him, get under someone more deserving. As I spent time figuring out why my relationship failed, I discovered that it was built on sex. I wanted something more substantial but naturally this is the chemistry we had. This is most likely why getting under the next has worked for me. I understand why some people prefer not engage in pre-marital as it clouds all judgement. Life teaches you how to live it, if you live long enough, and I’m still learning.

 

I broke my celibacy

He texted me to say that he was going to be in the office tomorrow to do some paper work.

This message could not have come at a more crucial time. I was freshly waxed having just come from a holiday and was feeling rather sultry. This sexiness soon evolved into heated  lust. I grabbed my rabbit and pleasured myself throughout the day and night. I imagined  that the ears were fingers and occasionally a tongue sending me to a hedonistic island. I had tried so very hard to resist him, but my pulsating nether region, no longer had the strength or will power.

Unable to control my sexual desire, I casually replied and said that I would be in the area tomorrow, so might pop down as well. I struggled to sleep that night, my mind ran an endless marathon, I continued to pleasure myself throughout the night.

The following morning, I woke up  knowing that this would be the day I break my celibacy. I searched my drawers for the most flirtatious and sexiest of under wear and posed in front of the mirror. My insecurities disappeared for a moment. I had bought a bunch of sexy underwear a few months back to take with me on my travels to entice my ex, but he didn’t seem to notice my efforts. I slipped into a loose fitting summer dress for easy access and left home.

I arrived at the office fairly early. I could see his car in the car park. I sat in my car thinking about whether I was doing the right thing. I had prayed so hard and long for an answer to my dire situation but couldn’t decipher the response under the buzz of everyday life. All I required was to be gently caressed or better still stroked by a talented, acrobatic tongue. I had stifled my sexual desires for far too long.

I sat in the car for a few minutes to compose myself. I moisturised my inner thighs with scented cream-razac. I got out of the car and walked hopefully to the office. I knocked on his office door. He looked up at me and smiled. He was happy to see me.

‘Umm Umm Umm, Where do you think you’re going?.’ He asked, admiring my outfit and made up face.

I flirtatiously laughed and spoke with him briefly about how my summer break was going. I left and made my way to my room.

As I sat down at my desk and turned the computer on, I couldn’t help but think that I didn’t cease the moment. I was disappointed. I typed one or two words and my mind began drifting.

‘Snap out of it’ I told myself. I expected that when I saw him, we would hug, kiss and then take things from there, but things weren’t going according to plan. I couldn’t blame him though as my signals were unclear. I was usually quite abrupt with him at work, so he reacted accordingly.

I thought further about how I was going to execute my plan.

‘Got it!’

I bought some cookies from the grocery store on the way to work and knew that he had a sweet tooth. I grabbed the bag and strolled across to  his office. He invited me to sit down and chill whilst tucking into the treats.

During the conversation, he complimented me on my legs, they were slightly more sun-kissed than usual as I had just returned from a girlies holiday. He remarked on how smooth they looked. He asked if he could touch them. Usually I would have told him where to get off, but this was no ordinary day, this was going to be THE day. I allowed him to work his way up and down my thighs, I felt a tingling sensation and then he stopped.

This was awkward. We got onto the topic of relationships as he knew every bit of detail about my failed relationship.  Filled with frustration and heat, I blurted out the obvious.

‘I’m sorry, but I’m really horny.’

Silence.

He stopped talking and looked up at me earnestly. I reciprocated.

‘Come here then.’ He replied, his voice sexy and course.

At this point, I had no game. I made my way to where he was sat and raised my leg to straddle him. Our lips interlocked and it felt good. We continued kissing. ‘Finally’ I thought to myself. I was once again reconnecting with my sensuality after a four month dry spell.

‘Are you sure about this’ He asked.

We had gone too far, to stop now and it felt amazing. I felt a tingling sensation all over my body. I had fantasised about this moment before, I imagined us having sex in his office. I slid my fingers into his jeans and unbuttoned them, one by one. I was almost there. I gently stroked his manhood and recognised what I was working with. I couldn’t help but make the comparison with my ex. There’s something to be said about the moment you finally get to see the most fundamental part of the body.

I asked if we could move to the storage room as it was a little more private. I was afraid that the premises staff might wonder in. He obliged. Once inside, he undressed me and sucked on my breast like a baby being fed, I caressed his head in encouragement. It felt good. I held his manhood in my other hand massaging it forwards and backwards. With each stroke I pondered on whether to give him head. I didn’t want to give him the wrong impression, but I wanted to do to him, what I use to do to my ex, I wanted to pay my tribute to someone more deserving, I also liked the idea of being submissive. I lowered myself to my knees and wet his dick with my mouth. Looking at him from time to time, to see if he was enjoying it.

‘Come!’ He beckoned’ He wanted to move back to the main office, but I was still apprehensive. What if a member of premises came in? I convinced him that it would be best if he covered the glass section of the door with some paper.

He lifted me up and sat me on his desk. I lay down expecting him to enter me with his long satisfying manhood. He spread my legs apart. He pulled me closer and lowered his head towards my garden.

‘He’s not about to…’

and then………… aaahh!!! He sent butterflies through my entire body. My fantasy was fulfilled. His warm moist tongue interrogated my nether region leaving no area untouched.  I arched my back and spread my legs a little further apart. I was taken away. He ate the fruits in the garden in a different manner to my ex. I lay on the table with my eyes closed, enjoying the treatment but I was still concerned about a member of premises walking in. I knew I wouldn’t cum that day, but that wasn’t a priority or care.  In order to let my cream juices flow out from within, I had to be totally comfortable with the setting and individual.

‘I haven’t got protection’ He said.

I smirked.  That was alright, for I had slipped a couple in my wallet in the morning. I got of the table and turned around invitingly. I placed my knees steadily on the chair and arched my back. Pleasure is pain they say and I endured it. I had to stifle my moans as all I could think about was the premises staff. As I faced the window, I experienced joy and pain as one. I knew that my ex was slowly disappearing from existence with every pounding. He will no longer have a mental and emotional hold over me as I have allowed another man to enter me.

He turned me around and kissed me some more whilst finger massaging my lower region generously, occasionally slipping two fingers deep within.

‘I want to make you cum.’ He whispered.

For me, cummin was not the aim, I wanted to experience real, human intimacy again. I wanted the slow touch, the easy hands. I got more than I anticipated for and my cup ran over.