Since yesterday I’ve had this thick grey cloud hovering over me.
I don’t quite know how it came about but it feels as though I’m one step away from depression.
I understand that it could be due to the cold weather or the come down after the excitement and expectations of the festive period but it’s most likely because the dreams and expectations I had for the new year are a far cry from the reality and not easily accessible.
In all honesty, I regret committing to a long distant relationship. It leaves me with longing, confusion and loneliness.
I’ve only been dating my partner for 3 months but the fear and uncertainty accosts me daily.
I despise the distance between us. I’ve been in a long distant relationship before and don’t know why on earth I allowed myself to enter into another one. I got caught up.
I have all these questions that remain unanswered and will continue to remain unanswered for a few more months as I can’t quite bring them up just yet.
I really don’t want to rush and know I should enjoy each day and the experience but the video calls and sex calls do not fill the void. At this stage in my life I need to know:
When we are going to live together.
Where we are going to live.
When we are going to get married.
When we are going to have children.
As I write this post Im hesitant to publish it as I appear rather impatient and desperate. Maybe I am and on this occasion I’ll own it.
Ok some background. He actually brought up these life commitments within the first 2 months of being together.
He knew he would leave to live abroad but wanted me to be with him. I feel sometimes as if I’ve settled for crumbs and he trapped me. When I reflect on it all it wreaks of desperation and a lack of trust/faith in God, the universe and my life story.
I feel trapped and uncertain about everything. There’s a 15 year age gap between us, he has children and there is distance involved.
I don’t know what I am going to do and this uncertainty is draining.
I understand why you shouldn’t have sex so soon because it clouds your judgement. I wonder if I’d still be with him if the sex weren’t so great and he wasn’t so eager to please.